3 Things to Remember If You're Struggling with Comparison and Jealousy
I took a break from Instagram last week. I deleted the app right off my phone and walked away for a few days. I thought I would miss it - and for a while, I did. But after a few hours, it was incredibly freeing to have the app off of my home screen. The main reason I hit delete was because I’d found myself wrestling with feelings of comparison and jealously. Instead of being present in the life that God gave me, I was spending my free time comparing my story to the stories I saw on Instagram. So I knew it was time for a hard reset.
I know I’m not the only one who struggles with comparison and jealousy when it comes to social media, especially an image driven app like Instagram. It’s easy to get caught up in feeds, stories, comments, likes, and shares. It’s tempting to count likes, base our self-worth on what we look like in comparison to another woman, or wonder if we’re a failure if someone doesn’t interact with our photos.
“If only we wanted to happy, it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are.”
Does all this sound too familiar? Are you caught up on trying to keep up with everyone on Instagram? Here are three things to keep in mind if you find yourself comparing your life to someone else's feed and fighting jealousy as a Catholic woman.
Get to know the person you’re comparing yourself too
It’s tempting to compare yourself to other women, especially women who you don’t know all that well. Because you don’t know all of the details of their lives, it’s easy to fill in the blanks about what you don’t know, creating a false perception of who they are. Just because you follow someone on Instagram doesn’t mean you know all there is to know about who they are. Instagram can leave us with a false sense of intimacy about the women we follow. If we know what she ate for breakfast, what her favorite coffee shop is, and where she spent her summer vacation, we know her, right? Wrong.
She’s not her feed, or her seemingly perfect moments. The woman you’re comparing yourself to is a human being, a beloved daughter of God. If her front room looks immaculate, she very well might have a garage that is messy. If she always look put together, there are guaranteed days where she struggles with the reflection she sees in the mirror. If her kids always look joyful and happy, there are moments where tears and struggles ensue. You more than likely don’t see these messier moments on camera, but if she’s a human being, she has messy moments.
One particularly helpful tip I’ve found for stopping comparison in its tracks is to get to know the women who I’m comparing myself to. When I get to know her, I realize that she’s a human with gifts, talents, and her own messes. I’m able to recognize her humanity and see her whole story, not just the highlights on her Instagram story. If you live in the same area, have her over for a cup of coffee. If meeting her and getting to know her story in person is impossible, make it a point to pray for her by name (her real name, not her Instagram handle!) and ask God for the grace to love her as a sister in Christ.
Take a good look at who fills your feeds
Does a scroll through your Instagram feed fill you with feelings of dread, competition, and negativity? It might be time to take a closer look at the accounts that fill your feed.
“Imagine if you walked into a room and saw all the people you follow on social media, who would you excitedly you rush up and greet? Who would you hug, chat, and laugh with? More importantly, who would you avoid like the plague? Just thinking about that very scene in your mind will help you nail the ones who don’t need to be part of your social media friendship quilt,” writes Flic Taylor. “Your social media moments should consist of you commenting, liking, sharing and smiling. The warning signs of those who need to hit the bucket are the one which causes your silences, sneers, sighs and self-doubt.”
The beauty of Instagram is that you can curate a feed that fills you, instead of a feed that tempts you into comparison and jealousy. It’s okay to take a break from following accounts that you know are particular jealousy or comparison triggers. Clicking “unfollow” doesn’t mean that you think this person doesn’t have dignity, or doesn’t deserve to be seen. Instead, it’s recognizing where you are and how you interact with their content. This also isn’t a permanent decision. If you need to take some time and space to heal the wounds that are at the root of your tendency to compare, you can always follow her again after you’ve found healing.
Don’t ignore the good because of the should
Have you caught yourself thinking that the gifts and talents that God gave you aren’t enough, and they should look like something different instead? Something more like what someone else has? Have you rearranged your house because you don’t think it looks like what it should look like, after seeing a picture of a perfectly curated living room in your Instagram feed? Have you tossed out clothes that you genuinely like because they don’t look like what you think you should be wearing after a few scrolls for some closet inspiration?
Ignoring the good and beautiful things that happen in our lives because we’re caught up in what we think our lives should look like in comparison to someone else’s is what Dr. Meg Jay calls the “tyranny of the should.”
“Shoulds can masquerade as high standards or lofty goals, but they are not the same. Goals direct us from the inside, but shoulds are paralyzing judgments from the outside. Goals feel like authentic dreams while shoulds feel like oppressive obligations. Shoulds set up a false dichotomy between either meeting an ideal or being a failure, between perfection and settling. The tyranny of the should even pits us against our own best interests,” writes Dr. Jay, a clinical psychologist who specializes in adult development.
The next time you’re tempted to change something (an outfit, a meal plan, a couch placement in your front room) because it doesn’t look like what you think it should look like, take time to discern the reasons behind the “should.” Then, once you’ve identified the reasons behind the “should,” take those insecurities and perceived judgments to the Father and ask Him to speak His truth over them.
Every time I’ve done this, He’s reminded me that my belovedness isn’t found in my Instagram grid, a number of likes, or how many followers I have compared to someone else. It’s found in the fact that I’m His beloved daughter, who He’s created and called good.
Instagram isn’t the devil. I’ve met some dear friends through that social media app. I’ve found amazing inspiration, incredible prayers, and indescribable community. But we do need to be conscious and clear with ourselves as we navigate Instagram, and interact with it in a way that honors our true identity as a beloved daughter of God.